Kindergarten Baby: A Novel Read online

  It was essential that Anthony demonstrate an infinite amount of patience and selflessness today or their future together would be doomed. He knew his own difficulties needed to be placed on hold for now, since Shawna had no concept or understanding of the stress and responsibilities a chiropractor faced every day‌—‌let alone a chiropractor that had to leave his patients in the care of a competitor so he could once again go out of town.

  “I’ll be packed in five,” he assured her. He peeked through the slightly open bathroom door and saw her standing naked at the mirror, applying a bit more foundation and lip color. That’s my babe, he thought with a smile.

  “Well, darling, I’ll be ready in four minutes,” she countered.

  Anthony grabbed a few shirts and threw a few days worth of socks and underwear into a carry-on bag. Shawna’s bag was right beside his on the bed, and a couple of photos poked out of one of the many compartments. Curiosity got the better of him, and he took a look.

  He stared, not comprehending…‌then something inside him snapped. “What the hell is this?! Shawna! What the hell am I looking at?”

  Shawna stepped into the bedroom, looking impatient. “What?” she snapped.

  He whirled toward her, clutching the photos in one hand and shaking them near her face. This couldn’t be happening. It couldn’t. “These…‌these photos are of you…‌right?”

  Shawna had gone very still beside him, and very pale.

  In contrast, Anthony’s face was a furious red. “How the hell…‌Damn! How did I not…‌How could you have deceived me all this time? How could you live such a fucking lie and suck me into it with you? How could I have been so fucking stupid? This can’t be! It just can’t be,” he hissed through his teeth. He brought his face close to hers. “Tell me, Shawna. What the hell are you?”

  Her voice was very small. “But…‌but I thought you knew. You know, after Venice and all. You said you were in the hospital and you saw the scars. Back then you promised to stay with me and said that you were okay with…‌everything,” she said, her tone softening to desperation. “You love me, Anthony. You want me. You know you do. Everything will be fine soon. You’ll see! Oh, Anthony. Please don’t leave me‌—‌not now, when I’m just days away from perfection!”

  He wanted to shake her, slap her, do something, but for the first time he couldn’t bring himself to touch her. The thought of any type of contact between them made his skin crawl.

  She reached for his arm, but he stepped back. Shawna swallowed hard again, then tried to give him a pleading smile. “Let’s just catch our plane, darling. We’ll work it out.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me? No way! No way in hell,” he shouted. He grabbed his bag and several shirts, slacks, and jackets, thinking vaguely how good he was getting at packing and running. “I want no part of this. I can’t even…‌Oh God. How could you? How could I?” Both hands went to his head and he grasped handfuls of his hair. “I’m living a nightmare‌—‌a fucking nightmare! Don’t touch me. Don’t even look at me. Oh my God. I…‌I hate you!”

  He slammed the door behind him and threw his things in the car. But I hate myself even more, he thought as he roared down the street. I’ve been an idiot on so many levels. Deeply dazed but no longer confused, he knew exactly where he had to go now and what he had to do.

  ***

  Jake stared blankly at the two files in front of him. It didn’t matter how much he rationalized that any action he’d taken involving his subjects was “research,” deep down, he knew better. The first extension for his thesis had expired, and time was running out on the second extension he’d been granted after some serious petitioning. It wasn’t like him to miss deadlines. Never in his educational career had he felt this stressed about any project.

  When the phone rang, Dr. Barston, head of his thesis committee, explained that because Jake had not followed the university’s policies regarding the use of human subjects, he had put himself and the university at risk of legal action. Therefore, Jake would have to start the entire process over. Surprisingly, in spite of the time he had invested in this thesis, he felt an odd sense of relief. With the immediate pressure off, Jake’s thoughts shifted to personal soul-searching. Now he had the opportunity to question his own motives with regard to the topic of his thesis. Why had he studied and researched ‘women alone and how they coped’? Was it to help understand himself better? That wasn’t exactly a manly thing to do, but it could be true. After all, he was alone, and he was trying to cope after his first love had dumped him back in Texas. In fact, it could be that he’d overreacted to his own break up, then used the thesis as therapy-by-his-own design‌—‌a psychologist’s version of “Physician Heal Thyself.” It was ironic, really. How had he managed to spend so much time and effort on his research without truly understanding what this endeavor was all about?

  Maybe it was time to think about something other than himself, his losses, his mistakes, and his future. Needing a change of direction, he took another look at the files on the table. Actually, they weren’t restricted to the table. His research was scattered around his apartment‌—‌on the table, on the futon, and in file boxes on the floor. The files were filled with notes, personal thoughts, and conclusions…‌many about Lindsey. Thesis or no thesis, he really cared about her‌—‌both her happiness and her safety. He decided to help her in any way possible, starting tonight. He’d see what he could find out about Anthony and Shawna and their odd appearance at Lindsey’s kindergarten concert. After that, he’d pay Lindsey, Malcolm, and Wendell a visit…‌and surprise her with a dinner of her favorite Chinese dishes.

  He answered the phone without thinking, then wished he hadn’t.

  “Jake! You’ve got to come over right away. It’s an emergency!”

  “Shawna? Is that you? What’s going on?”

  “Just get over here now! I can’t say much on the phone. Something terrible has happened. Hurry!”

  I need to stay away from her, thought Jake, but at the same time, he wanted some answers, and this might be the perfect opportunity to get them. He dashed out the door with his notebook and camera, leaving his apartment a mess. He’d be back soon to clean it all up.

  He was just about to press the bell when the door suddenly opened. Shawna stood before him, her eye make-up smeared down her cheeks. She’d obviously been crying a lot, which was out of character for her. Sucking in sobs, Shawna stepped back to let Jake in. Once he was inside, she hauled off and slugged Jake in the face with her clenched fist.

  “You should’ve kept your mouth shut!” she roared as Jake fell to the floor.

  ***

  Another school year had come to an end; another chapter in her life complete. Lindsey always enjoyed the feeling of closure and the sense of relief this time of year brought with it. Only one last entry lingered on today’s To Do List: the visit. I deserve a quiet evening with someone I really trust, someone who likes me for who I am, someone who has never judged me. She patted Wendell on the head and gave his ears a tickle, then she looked Malcolm directly in the eyes as they exchanged a few words and chirps. After they were done, she locked up and headed out her door feeling positive, refreshed, and ready for new beginnings.

  She’d driven by his apartment building before with Laura, but they’d never been inside. When she reached his door she looked for a bell, but there wasn’t one. She knocked softly at first and got no results, so she pounded on the door‌—‌which prompted the door to swing open.

  “Jake?” she called. “Jake? Are you in here? It’s me, Lindsey.”

  He didn’t answer, so she decided to go in and make sure he was all right. After all, he would do the same for her. She walked into the apartment and had to fight the immediate urge to straighten up for him. She was surprised to see such a mess. Papers and files had been strewn everywhere. She sorted through the nearest pile, looking for a blank scrap of paper so she could write him a note, and out of the corner of her eye she spotted her name written on a file.
When she looked again, she noticed her name was actually on several files, as well as on a spiral notebook on Jake’s kitchen table.

  She picked up the notebook, intrigued, and read until she could take no more. She lifted her gaze and stared straight ahead at nothing, unaware that she’d even dropped the book. How could he have…‌She shuddered inwardly at the idea of Jake‌—‌the only man she’d thought she could trust‌—‌writing about her this way. Why? Why had he written down her thoughts and choices, her problems, and her sorrows?

  When she looked again, she noticed more folders‌—‌this time bearing Laura’s name. She whimpered, feeling entirely betrayed. He’d been using them both all this time. How dare he? He’d used them, invaded their privacy, and written intimate thoughts and feelings down on paper‌—‌not to mention the data his laptop might contain‌—‌for the world to read some day.

  He’d been the one man she’d trusted. Was there a decent man anywhere on earth? She sincerely doubted it.

  “I’m done,” she said out loud. “Done with them all.”

  ***

  When Lindsey didn’t answer the door after much knocking and bell ringing, Anthony put his key in the lock and attempted to let himself in. It didn’t work, which meant she’d changed the lock. Good girl, he thought. She’s getting smarter all the time. How long had she waited to do that? He’d ask her sometime in the very near future.

  After a moment of pacing by the front door, he decided to check the back door. He found Wendell asleep in a shady, not-too-hot corner of the back yard and felt immediately guilty. Wendell. He hadn’t even thought about the dog in so long. Wendell rose to his feet, and at first he growled at Anthony. Then he moved toward him, his tail in full wag as if Anthony had never left.

  “Hi, boy. I heard you’d been spending time over here now and then. That’s good. Where’s Lindsey?”

  Wendell walked up to the back door with him, but none of his keys worked in that lock, either. He wasn’t about to crawl through the doggie door; he was in no mood to stoop that low. That’s when he noticed Malcolm in his cage by the kitchen window.

  “When did she get that?” he asked the dog. He watched the bird for a while, and the bird watched him, tipping its head from side to side and chirping loudly. The little thing was so Lindsey, he thought with a hint of a smile.

  He peered through the window, seeing the kitchen and the hallway from where he stood. The house looked different. There was no trace of him anywhere, no hint that he’d ever existed. One wall of the kitchen had recently been painted a bright yellow and adorned with new artwork of desert plants and herbs. He wondered vaguely what she’d done with the rest of the house. He smiled when he spied one thing that hadn’t changed. Boxes filled with of end-of-the-year school materials were stacked in the hall, not yet unpacked or put away.

  Where was she? I need to talk to her now! For the first time in his life, Anthony felt unsteady, out of control, and he didn’t know how to react to being alone and afraid. He returned to his car and waited a nervous half hour for Lindsey to return, but she didn’t. When he could wait no longer‌—‌patience had never been one of his virtues‌—‌he wrote Lindsey a note, placed it in an envelope, then wedged it between the front door and the door jam and drove away. He had no idea where to go.

  ***

  “Hey, Lindsey,” said Laura. “This is a nice surprise, seeing you again so soon. Come on in.”

  “I couldn’t go home. It’s all too weird, Laura. It is so wrong. What I saw was—”

  “Slow down. Come on in and sit. I don’t have the slightest idea what are you talking about.”

  Lindsey told her everything she’d stumbled upon at Jake’s apartment, explaining that he had files‌—‌many files‌—‌which contained notes about both of them, including notes about conversations they’d had with him, and notes about their lives and their backgrounds‌—‌followed up by his own comments, judgments, and evaluations of their lives and how they’d lived them.

  Laura dropped her head into her hands, looking annoyed with herself. “Good grief. How did I not see that? I knew he was writing his thesis about single women. He even told me a little bit about his research. That explains why he was always so attentive and such a great listener. So…‌wow. I was one of his research subjects. How could I have been so naive?”

  “Well, I feel betrayed. Aren’t you angry?”

  Laura tilted her head to one side, considering the question. “Oh, well, I’m not happy about it. As a woman, I feel like I’ve been used, but only in the ‘research’ aspect. He never led me on about having a relationship; we didn’t have one. He just let me talk about myself, and he listened. And…‌apparently, he wrote down everything I said.”

  Her reaction wasn’t what Lindsey had expected at all. “You’re taking this much better than I am,” she told her friend. “I could scream. I want to scream and throw things…‌and run away. I feel like such a fool.”

  “Lindsey, don’t be so hard on yourself. You had the year from hell at school as well as on the home front, and your stress levels have taken you on a roller coaster ride. This was just the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back for you. It’s totally understandable.” She leaned in and gave Lindsey a quick hug. “You know, maybe the running away part would be a good idea. Get away from it all for a week or so. Didn’t your doctor say something similar to you last week when you had your annual check-up? And look at you. You’re practically hyperventilating just talking to me tonight. Hang on. I’ll make us some tea.”

  Lindsey drooped, relieved to have everything out in the open. Talking with Laura always helped. “Okay. It’s just that I feel so powerless. So many memories are marching through my head‌—‌like soldiers going off to war. Damn memories. Even the good ones hurt now, because all the good is gone.”

  A few minutes later, Laura returned with the tea. Lindsey flinched when she reached up to take it. “Ow!”

  “What’s wrong?” asked Laura.

  “Oh, probably nothing. I think I must have gotten a few bug bites yesterday or the day before. Sometimes when my belt or waistband rubs against them, it’s uncomfortable. I’ll put some ointment on them when I get home.” She held Laura’s hand. “Listen, I’m sorry to bother you about Jake. I just didn’t know where else to go. I feel like I’m really losing it lately. I can’t even think straight anymore. You’re right. I’ve got to get far away from everyone and everything. Thanks again, Laura. You truly are a dear friend.”

  “You should head out of town. Go somewhere completely different. Remember the Zuni Mountains trip we went on with the teacher group? That’d be a perfect place to get away from it all. I don’t know. Up to you. Just think about it and call me in a day or two, okay?” Laura said, watching nervously as Lindsey opened the front door and stepped outside. “Promise me. Check in with me, and let me know what you decide to do.”

  Within the next couple of days, Lindsey’s small Saturn was packed and her map to the Zuni Mountains unfolded in the passenger seat. The trunk carried most of her camping equipment, including tent, cooking utensils, sleeping bag, blankets, and pet supplies. Her clothes, some of the food, and a small cooler filled the front seat and floor areas. She purposefully kept the backseat clear, open for Wendell and Malcolm. Even then, Wendell was a little cramped, but he seemed happy to be included in the adventure.

  “Ready?” she asked, and they were off‌—‌one large dog, one small bird, and one very determined young woman‌—‌to a remote wilderness area in the Zuni Mountains, seven hours away. Their mission was to relax, rejuvenate, and start fresh. This trip was the beginning of the rest of Lindsey’s life‌—‌a new life in which she would be smart, plan carefully, think things through before acting, and focus on the good in even the most negative of situations.

  Early June in the canyon brought hot and dry weather, and though the river still flowed, much of the vegetation looked brown and crunchy. Even the saguaros appeared a bit shriveled, in need of the monsoon r
ain that was still at least four weeks away. The rock formations she passed were diverse, changing from white boulders on either side of the roadway to steep, red-ribboned cliffs as far as the eye could see. At one point she almost wished she could be a passenger so she could better admire the natural beauty all around her, but she was forced to focus on the road, following one sharp curve after another. Once in awhile she indulged, though, and it was during one of these moments of appreciation of the canyon’s beauty that the commotion began.

  Malcolm’s birdcage had a seatbelt around it, but the last series of curves caused it to slip and loosen, setting the cage free from its hold. It rolled noisily from one side of the back seat to the other, and the battered bird squawked from inside of it. The dog yelped, the cage clanked, and Lindsey tried to be reassuring while still keeping her hands on the wheel and her eyes on the road.

  “Hang in there, guys,” she said, frowning at the road. “I’ll pull over just as soon as I can. You’ll be fine.”

  But the curves kept coming, and the birdcage rolled, slamming into Wendell, then into the door. The cage door jammed against the car’s door handle, pushing it up and open, and freeing Malcolm from his noisy confinement. Terrified and agitated from the experience, he flapped from the front of the car to the back, looking for a way out, until he finally landed on Lindsey’s head. Unfortunately, he quickly became entangled in her hair.

  “I’ve got to stop,” Lindsey said, trying to keep her voice calm. “Got to stop now.”

  As Malcolm pranced on her head, she brushed the hair from her eyes, but she couldn’t see any place where she could pull over. The highway along this stretch of the canyon had only two lanes and little visibility for passing. But she obviously couldn’t go on; driving under these conditions was too dangerous. Then she saw a runaway truck ramp, and she swerved onto it. That was better than nothing‌—‌as long as no runaway trucks came barreling down the hill. She figured the odds were in her favor. The car rolled to a stop, and Malcolm hopped off Lindsey’s head. She turned to the animals, taking in their ruffled state.